I liked to believe that I am a grown up and a mature person, though deep down I know I am not. I am still in that phase where I am trying to learn to control my emotions and give myself a lesson when needed. Life has not been miserable but maybe my emotions got the better of me. I thought I was FAILING, like literally failing at everything even though I was doing good at my academics, I had good friends, I loved writing, I dolled up trying all my new makeup, I gossiped, I enjoyed meals, I had regular mood swings, I laughed and fought with my siblings, I was in love, I did everything a girl my age should but still, I wasn’t really happy, more like I wasn’t really satisfied. I hated the darker side of life, I hated being thought of as a person I am not, I hated being not able to do better, I hated everything that made me feel worthless.
I was wrong, I might still be wrong but I feel better. I feel satisfied with myself. I am happy about myself. I am happy that I am not dwelling towards that abyss. I am happy that I am thankful for everything. I am happy because maybe I have finally learned a lesson. I am happy that I have started cherishing little things, spending time doing things I love, making time to read books, staying away from negativity, learning my faults and forgiving myself, forgiving others and realizing the real reason why I have failed some important relationships in my life.
People are important, whether they are your parents, close friends, friends or just anyone who has a heart and feelings. We’re sometimes wrong to judge someone quickly, judge situations even. I’m not an expert with conditions like these but I have been through situations where I was quick to judge, no matter how much I would teach myself to not-be-judgmental I have been at some points in my life. I still don’t know if I was wrong or right, the chances say I was but the little voice in my head says ‘what if not?’ and this is where exactly I know my mistake. Maybe if I didn’t make my decisions on the basis of my judgment and would have been smart enough to try and clear out the situation, things would have been different. I wouldn’t have lost some relations that I have lost. When the realization hit me, I didn’t really wanted to play the blame game anymore, all I could think of was how I could have made it better, I knew for a fact that I could have but I did the opposite. The thought made me feel even worse and a bad person. However, I started kicking myself for being so low and accepting it, accepted that I made a mistake, that I’m only human, that I wasn’t mature enough, that instead of killing myself over it I need to learn from it and just then, I forgave myself, I let go off that bitter feeling, I tried making things better. And I feel better now. Alot better!
What I have learned so far is that we only have this one wonderful life. We can’t waste on being unhappy and unsatisfied. Alot of the times we feel unsure of ourselves, but those are the time that can make you or break you, let them make you stronger, more confident and most of all a better person. I learned that no matter what happens, we should always try to mend our relations rather than breaking them. Everyone around us has a life, we have no idea what they’re going through, we are no one to judge them, we are no one to hurt them. We have to accept their flaws, we have to accept our flaws because lets face it ain’t nobody a saint here. And just because we think that something is wrong doesn’t mean everybody has to, we should be polite and accepting of others. Most of all, accepting of ourselves, we need to learn to feel good and positive about ourselves, once we’re there, little things that hurt now won’t even matter.
Life is happiness, if you think of it that way. Nothing can make you unsure and unhappy, it’s only you yourself, killing yourself over stuff that shouldn’t matter at all. I feel lucky right now, because I am able to overcome the darker thoughts that were lingering in my brain and actually become a happier person. Cherish little things, and laugh with my loved ones. I’m thankful. Alhamdulilah! :)